2003-08-11 - 10:18 p.m.
Ah my dear sweet friend the Tattod Wet Nurse hath been up to her mischief yet again. She be on holiday to a local on the eastern seaboard of the New World visiting her most beloved friend in the world, Joust Widow. She were kind enough to seek my sage advice and opinions on matters of romance and mine own loves of past and didst nay neglect to mention her breast in her query. She doth score points!
Her quest for knowledge were worded as such, and prithee note, that this be verbatim, and in all of its misspelled glory:
Be she nay THE WITTIEST creature thou hast ever read? She do slay me with her self deprecation and humility.
But first, I must retort: Lady Wet Nurse, a lady thou art and a lady thou shalt forever be and thou must needs nay forget that. Thy queries be of a tasteful nature and yea verily do warrant response! So revel in thy ladyship I say to thee!
Firstly, I should like to address the issue of my being the mistress to the both the Kings of France and England, though NAY at the same time for neither prince wouldst be princely enough for THAT sort of tripling (gasp! Didst I say THAT!?) In sooth, in order to become mistress to two monarchs, let alone a single crown, a lady must needs beauty and charm above all. Some may call it pizzazz, some may call it class, some mayest refer to it as being chic and still others mayest refer to is as grace. Whichever moniker to be correct, there must needs be a quality that wilt catch the eye of the libidinous ruler. But I say this to thee, whatever that quality may be, beauty be skin deep and how a lady carries and conducts herself be of most importance as we are the fairer sex and are to be noticed before being heard. Having spent time in the both the courts of Belgium and France I were surrounded by some of THE most chic and graceful ladies of the continent, and of course my sister who be known for her exuberance and joie de vivre! It were my carriage of mine own self and quick wit to be sure that first caught the eye of Francois and although I were reluctant to carry through with his solicitous longings for me, I were urged by my father that such a liaison, were it to continue for a time, wouldst be most beneficial to our family. And I must admit that being mistress to a king do have its advantages. Favored royal mistresses do receive the honor of being bestowed with many gifts, titles and lands for their families and a special place with Hi Majesty at some functions. Tis nay frowned upon and is most expected by His Majesty's peers. And there do me none of the trappings of a royal marriage where one is expected to be nothing more than a child producing vessel and become pregnant year after year, much like poor Queen Claude of France, God rest her poor soul.
The second part of thy first query simply asketh, Whom didst I fancy above the other. Well, in sooth, I shall have to tell thee that both gentlemen were special in their own ways and I couldst nay chose! They were both wonderful. Both possess kindness, tenderness, were nay condescending to me, nor were I forced upon. I were treated chivalrously and with respect by both.
Which leadeth me to thy second query, wouldst I rather be known as "The King's Great Whore" or "My English Mare?" To clarify for those who nay be familiar, I do be known as "A Great Whore. The most infamous in all of England." I shall nay go into the explanation I am quite sure thou art seeking, but direct thee to the earlier penned description of that particular nomenclature. This do be how some of my fellow country men hath refered to me when speaking publicly of me. As for the term "My English Mare," this do be how Francois didst correspond to His Majesty when he didst recommend me to Him as a mistress. Methinks it be because I were good for a ride. I supposed I do be flattered at this in some strange way. However, I wouldst prefer to be referred to as "A Great Whore" for in sooth, to be known as the king's whore, be not an insult or degradation of my character, in sooth it be quite the opposite and it be a declaration that I be most favored by His Majesty. I dare say I shouldst be happy to take His Majesty for a ride any time as he be most welcome in my bedchamber and hopefully me into his! Oh how stupendously naughty of me!
My dearest Tatnan, I do possess hope above all hope that I hath been able to venture a worthy response to thy queries and to thank ye yet again for being one mine own most ardent readers and supporters. I implore thee to query again at they leisure and implore those who mayest be reading me this day to do the same.
Until I take pen to thee again, anon dearhears!
"They shouldst bury me in a "Y" shaped coffin" Boleyn