Lady Mary Boleyn
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The 19th of February in the Year of Our Lord, 1520 - Early evening

My dearest friend. I am afeared that I have hurt a true soul close to my heart though that were certainly not my intention for I in turn have had my feelings ripped to shreds by the cruel barbs of a man whom I did not seek to take down. In sooth, quite the opposite. It seemeth that Lord Paget hath gotten hold of or heard that I had written down in detail a narrative of last autumn's progress to New Market, but yet failed to make mention of our frequent trysts behind the fish and chippery therein. Below is copied by mine own hand his correspondence to me, my subsequent reply to him and then his hurtful and spiteful barbs in response.

"My Dearest Mary,

Thou didst neglect to mention in thy diary, amidst your paragraph concerning myself and the poorly deceased Lady Farringdon who didst bestow her land and titles to me before her untimely death on our wedding day, that thou and I didst share many mutual commiserations, as it were, behind the fish and chippery. It were thy sweet yet aggressive counsels that didst carry me through a difficult time, a hard time, as it were, concerning the death of Lady Audrey Paget. And now with the Poor Duchess Farringdon away with my Audrey singing amongst the angels, I fear that more counseling sessions mayest be in order.

Say, three of the clock behind the fish and chippery?

William Paget
Baron of Beaudesert, Lord of Hillingdon, Master of Practices, Councilor of the Star Chamber, Projector for the Society of Royal Philosophicks, and Knight of the Order of St. George"

I am afeared that my response below were a tad harsh, however, I were upset that my most intimate thoughts had somehow been made for public scrutiny.

"A "hard" time my sweet? I beg to differ as thou didst notice the DELIBERATE omission of mention of our trysts behind the fish and chippery within the pages of my narrative. What were the phrase that thou didst once utter? Ah yes, "its needs must whither." I am sorry to confess to thee that although I did express extreme satisfaction during our couplings, it were with a bit of fibbery on my part as I am again sorry to say, that thou were unable to rise to the occasion. Were it but for thy fragile ego, I wouldst have made mention of the lack of upheaval, however, as thou were in thy period of grievance, I felt it inappropriate to make such observations at the time"

He didst respond and make targeted barbs at some of my statements.

"How bravely, dearest Mary, thou dost go forth in thy revelry of delusions, for ne'er hath I ever failed to rise to the occasion; and even when thy breathy oaths of passion, reeking of the recently devoured victuals heavily tainted with vinegar that thou didst consume from the fish and chippery, I didst manage to hold mine breath and make forward to meet thy advances (after the quick recovery of my first mistaking your cod-tainted breath for an advanced stage of the consumption rotting thy lungs). But lo and behold, even mine own act of bravery proved ineffective and hereupon was I less than a man, so to speak, for the stench that did rise from thy skirts upon thy lifting them were of such a foul nature that it didst make thy reechy breath seem like the perfumes of angels in comparison, and twas then and only then that I dropped like the anchor of the Pride of Bedlam.

And tis ungentlemanly of me to say such truths, but thou didst open this forum into one of candor, and I have thus found it necessary to match thy attacks upon me by shedding the truth for the eyes of our fellows here in this audience. Thou do but spurn me with hatred for I did tell the last that even twere not for thy apparent lack of the use of soap whereupon the Lord doth intend thee to use it most, in truth even then I would find it difficult to rise to the occasion for thee due to an utter lack of inspiration, for thou dost low like a wounded calf when thou art in heat, and such displays of thy passion do drive men away like sheep in Scotland at the sight of a kilted man. I hath only kept up the charade of maintaining trysts with thee for the sake of thou and thy reputation among thy female peers (for us men do josh at thy sake betwixt pints at the Sea Devil)."

To which I responded:

"Tis now been brought to mine attention that thine ego again must needs stroking and I am afraid that I am unable to provide such services."

To which HE dist respond:

"Upon this point, thou and I are in agreement, dear Mary."

I didst feel the necessity to interject thusly:

"Please forgive me if I have caused thee any embarrassment, but I were only trying to protect thee at the time."

He didst respond in kind:

"If thou dost wish to protect me, or any man for that matter, for God's sake use the gift set of scented soaps that I do send thee each Christmas and birthday, and Easter. I would have thought that thou wouldst have caught the hint by now, dear friend."

How wretched!! He must hate me to the end of eternity! How couldst I have achieved such cruelty in my letter. How couldst I have wounded his pride such?

Just a moment - How could HE have been so cruel to me, one of the fairer sex? I have done nothing wrong. But he is a dear sweet man, one of whom I care for deeply and NOT in a libidinous sense. Oh we must set things right betwixt us or my conscience shall nay be able to rest.

Diary, I shall inform thee post haste of my progress. Adieu ma chere.


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